


I'm Doing Fine [rewritten]

by ilovemygaydad



Series: friends in dark places [rewritten] [3]
Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 12:42:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad
Summary: Summary: (Junor year; about six months before Patton and Virgil meet) Patton isn’t feeling his normal happy self anymore.Warnings: depression, panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts, self doubt, feelings of worthlessness, self hatred, minor descriptions of self harm/suicide, minor descriptions of verbal violence





	I'm Doing Fine [rewritten]

**_October 7, 2016_ **

Patton couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t that he couldn’t  _physically_  get out of bed; he just didn’t have the mental strength to get up. He pulled his blue duvet over his eyes and aggressively punched the snooze button on his alarm clock. Another missed day of school.  _Whatever_.

Twenty minutes later, Mrs. Shea walked into Pat’s room with a worried expression pulling at her face. This was the third time in October he hadn’t gotten up for school, and it was only the seventh day of the month.

“Hey, honey. You feeling okay?” she whispered, softly making her way to the side of his bed. Patton was laying in a tight ball under the covers, and his hair barely stuck out from underneath it.

“My stomach hurts really bad…”  _Lies_. Everything he’d been saying recently was one giant lie. “I think I should stay home today.”

His mom sighed. “Alright. I’ll leave some soup in the fridge for you to heat up if you get hungry, but I’ve got to go to work now. Love you.”

“Love you too.” As soon as he heard the door click shut, Patton released the choked sob he’d been holding in. There was no reason for him to be so sad; he had a wonderful family, so many beautiful belongings, and the most caring friends that he could ever ask for. And yet here he was, laying in bed and feeling like the most useless piece of garbage known to man.

Tears ran across the bridge of his nose and across his cheek, sinking into his pillowcase where they leaving a growing wet patch in the fabric. Good thing the wet pillow wouldn’t bother him while he was asleep.

\---

“Have you seen Patton? He wasn’t in first block,” Roman asked Logan as they sat down at their lunch table. Patton never missed school unless he physically couldn’t get out of bed, yet he had been absent so frequently as of late.

“No, and I’m starting to get worried. He’s been acting so unlike himself. I can’t help but wonder what must be going on.” Logan took a bite of his sandwich and flipped on his phone, pulling up Patton’s text conversation. “And look.”

> _**Logan** _
> 
> _Read October 6 at 7:15 pm_
> 
> Patton, what did you get for the third problem in the chemistry packet? I want to double check my answers.

> _**Patton** _
> 
> _Delivered October 6 at 7:18 pm_
> 
> I haven’t done it yet. I’ll check in with you after advisement tomorrow.

> _**Logan** _
> 
> _Read October 6 at 7:25 pm_
> 
> Don’t worry about it, Patton. I’ll just ask someone else. Good night.

“I sent that first text at around seven pm, which was around the time I finished my homework after tutoring, and the second at 7:19, so right after he sent his text. He never takes that long to look at or reply to texts. Plus, he didn’t say goodnight to me. I truly am worried.” Logan pushed up his glasses, which had slipped down his nose, and looked at Roman. The usually over-the-top teen looked sullen as he mulled over the information.

“Can your mom drive us to Patton’s house after school?”

\---

They arrived at Patton’s as soon as humanly possible after school. They’d explained to Mrs. Christiansen that since Patton had missed school, they were going to need a ride to his house so they could help him figure out what homework he needed to get done. Thankfully, she’d bought the lie and gave them no questions.

Roman hopped out of the minivan and practically sprinted to the door, roughly poking the doorbell. He could hear the bright ring sound through the house as Logan walked up behind him. They waited for two minutes, but nobody showed up. He rang again with  _slightly_  less aggression.

Less than a minute later, the door swung open, and a disheveled Patton stood in the doorway. His hair was sticking in practically every direction, and his rumpled pajamas made his slight frame look even more stick-like. Pat’s nose was red and puffy; his eyes looked just as irritated. The smile on his lips looked fake and didn’t meet his eyes in the slightest.

“Hey, guys! What’s up?” The cheerful ring in Patton’s voice was gone, replaced by a duller version of himself.

_Act natural. They can’t know. This is your cross to bear. Not theirs._

“We wanted to come check on you since you didn’t come to school,” Logan explained, casting a worried glance at Roman. This was unsettling.

_Just get them out._

“Thanks for the gesture, kiddos, but I’m all good! Just a bit of a cold, you know? Well, I’ll see you both tomorrow.” The door began to swing shut, but Roman shot out his hand to stop it.

_Damn it! Try harder._

“Woah, Pat. Calm down a sec. Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve been crying.” Roman’s voice was laced with caution; he didn’t want to seem  _too_  interrogative.

Patton’s smile faltered for a second before coming back with even more faux brightness than ever. “It’s just the cold. Darn thing’s making my eyes water and nose run!”

_Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies._

“Right…” Logan didn’t believe a word his friend was saying. “Why didn’t you come to school today? You seem well enough for your usual standards to not miss— _OW!_ ”

Roman’s heel dug hard into Logan’s toes, warning him not to overstep any boundaries.

“I was feeling really awful this morning. I could barely roll over in bed.”

“Pat, we’re just... we’re  _worried_  about you. You’re our best friend,” Roman interjected.

_I’m doing fine._

“There’s no need! I’m great!”

Logan desperately cut in. “You haven’t been acting like yourself recently. Our text conversations have been curt and to the point, and you haven’t sent your trademark goodnight text in well over a week—“

“I SAID I’M  _FINE_!” Patton yelled, finally at the end of his rope. His two friends stared at him in shock, mouths hanging open and eyes wide. Pat stood there for a moment to catch his breath before he realized what he’d just done. He sunk to the ground and roughly tugged at his hair in frustration. Tears rolled down his face, and sobs racked his body.

Suddenly, he was being lifted off the floor and carried through his house, ending up on his soft bed. Blankets wrapped around him, and soothing words were whispered as he let out all of the pent up  _shit_  that he’d stored away.

Soon enough, the tears stopped coming, and Patton’s breathing evened out to a slow rhythm. He shifted to look at Logan, who was sitting cross legged next to him, absently petting Pat’s hair.

“I don’t deserve you guys,” Pat mumbled, shying away from Logan’s touch. That snapped Lo out of his thoughts.

“What do you mean? Of course you do. If anything, Roman and I don’t deserve you.” Logan had his Mom Voice on, and it was clear that he’d be ready to fight any of Patton’s worries away.

“No, I don’t. You guys are fantastic and nice, but I’m  _terrible_. I yelled at you. That’s not something that any good friend should do.” Patton sighed and rolled his face back into his pillow. Hopelessness travelled through his body in icy waves.

Logan made an affronted noise. “That is most certainly not true. Roman and I were pushing you past your breaking point; that was our fault. We shouldn’t have done that. You are the best friend anyone could ask for, Patton. You’re compassionate, kind, loyal, and most of all you love each of us with your entire heart.”

“I guess…” Pat trailed off into his pillow. He heard the door click open and someone, probably Roman, walk in. Logan gently kissed his hair and slid off the bed, walking to the door before softly closing it again. Outside he could faintly hear the muffled voices of his friends talking, but he couldn’t quite make out their words.

He was barely awake for another second as his emotional exhaustion caught up with him.

\---

“How is he?” Roman asked once the door was closed, making sure his voice was hushed enough that Patton wouldn’t be able to hear.

“I think he’s okay…” Logan fidgeted with his hands. “But I do believe he’s depressed. He has a lot of the symptoms: pessimistic attitude, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, weight loss. I-I’m  _really_  worried about him, Roman.”

Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he broke down. Patton was supposed to be the light of the group. He was supposed to provide comfort to them, and they’d neglected him in return. It was their fault, and they’d lost constancy in their group. Logan’s breathing sped up as he lost control of his feelings.

“Woah, Lo. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. We’ll figure this out.” Roman enveloped Logan in a soft hug, but he was immediately pushed away. Logan sank to the floor, pushing his back against the wall. Roman stared at him for a moment in shock before kneeling down and just barely resting his hand on Logan’s knee.

“Hey. You’re going to be alright. Just listen to my voice, okay?” Roman softly began to sing one of Logan’s favorite Pink Floyd songs until he was calm again. “That’s good, Lo. Why don’t you go take a nap in Pat’s bed while I do some research?”

Logan nodded and allowed himself to be led to the plush bed, where he almost instantly fell asleep. Roman sadly smiled at his two friends, both suffering in such different ways.

He sat down at Pat’s desk, opening the laptop and typing in the password.  _pattoncake2001_. As much as Roman loved his friend, the kid  _really_  needed to get more secure passwords.

Google Chrome popped up once the screen had loaded. Roman’s heart dropped as he looked at the open tabs.

_lasting feelings of worthlessness_

_symptoms of depression_

_how to hide depression from others_

He impulsively collapsed the browser and stared at the dark background of the Spotify app before regaining his senses. Roman felt so bad for Patton; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what his friend must be going through.

As he moved to close Spotify, he caught sight of the playlists Pat had saved. Most of them were things he’d normally listen to, like X Ambassadors, but there were some playlists named “depression help” that just made Roman’s mood sink even further.

After a few more minutes of clicking around, he reopened Chrome and began to Google symptoms of depression for himself. He clicked on the first few links, finding mostly the same things, but then found a link to a Tumblr blog. Hmm. That might help.

Roman immediately regretted his decision. Graphic images of self harm and suicide flooded his screen. Panic bubbled up in his chest until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He snapped the laptop shut and pushed it away from him as if it had physically hurt him.

That was enough research for one day.

\---

**_October 8, 2016_ **

Everything had gotten so out of control, and Patton hadn’t been aware of any of it. During his sophomore year, he’d become really good friends with a girl in his class, Hayley Aster. She was sweet and caring and funny, and Patton enjoyed talking to her at school and on the phone. Their friendship wasn’t Logan and Roman tight, but Patton considered her one of his best friends.

But once they started their junior year, Hayley started acting...  _weird_. And now that he thought of it, so had his other friend, Luke. And basically everyone else. It was like his entire class seemed  _off_.

He’d been curious--of  _course_  he had been curious--but everyone seemed to be avoiding him. It was his fault, probably. Patton had started to distance himself from Logan and Roman, not wanting to upset them or bring them down as well. 

And then he’d learned the truth. Not from Luke, obviously, nor Hayley. It was Kay who had told him on October first. Luke had been so obsessed with staying best friends with Hayley that he’d spread rumors about Patton to try and distance him from her. Rumor after rumor--the same  _fucking_  song, just with different words. If you didn’t like Patton Shea, you spread rumors about him until his life was ruined, apparently!

Oh, and that wasn’t all. It never was. Everyone knew who had started the rumors, but nobody had the courage to step up and tell Patton that Luke was the one to start them. They were too terrified by the idea of being Luke’s next target to do anything. They’d even managed to keep the rumors away from Roman and Logan because they were too damn self-preserving to risk the wrath of Patton’s friends.

Patton hadn’t even done anything wrong this time, yet everyone still hated him. 

God, Roman and Logan were too good for him. He didn’t deserve their care. They’d sat by his side all day and night, and they’d only left just now to buy him some of his favorite candy. Patton wasn’t sure if either of them had slept at all, which was also worrying!

Patton was a burden, and he knew that, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Well, he had an idea, but he was too much of a coward to actually go through with it. That was another thing that he was--a  _coward_. Running from his problems, too afraid to actually  _do_  what was best for everyone. They didn’t need him; he was just going to end up sad and lonely.

Suddenly exhausted, Patton curled into his blankets. At least he wasn’t too afraid to sleep.

\---

Logan and Roman had picked up Mr. Christiansen’s beat up Intrepid and drove to the Meijer off Main Street. They wanted to pick up candy, of course, and some other nice things for Patton like a new pair of slippers and some good smelling candles, and it was also convenient that they needed to get some things for their respective houses. In short, they had a  _long_  list of items to buy.

Roman wheeled their cart around to the stuffed toys isle. The two browsed for a few moments before Roman pulled a specific plushie from the shelf. A tiny stuffed dog the color of the sky. It was perfectly Patton.

A few beats of soft silence followed the find before Logan spoke; his voice was barely audible over the static noise of the store. “Roman, I’m  _terrified_  for Patton. What if he doesn’t get better? What if—What if he—“ Not for the first time that day, tears streamed down his face in a cruel betrayal of his cold façade. 

Roman gasped and discarded the toy he was holding in the cart, rushing to tightly hug Logan. An unsure Logan was  _never_  good. “It’ll be okay, Lo. It will. Patton’s so strong.” Roman’s voice wavered ever so slightly. If Logan wasn’t completely sure that Patton would be okay, then what  _would_  happen? Lo knew basically everything! He was their rock; always solid when they needed the support. And now even  _he_  was crumbling.

“I can’t lose him, Roman! I  _can’t_. Oh,  _god_ , he’s supposed to be the sunshine against any darkness in the world, and look at him! I’ve never seen Patton so lost,” Logan sobbed. His body heaved as he pressed his face deep into Roman’s neck. They’d been the perfect trio for what felt like forever, yet everything threatened to fall apart in an instant.

“We’ll help him; I swear on it. We’ll be okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

\---

“ _Ohmygoodness_ , I love him!” Patton squealed as his friends presented the tiny plushie to him. It was adorably small, and possibly the tiniest bit under-stuffed, but Pat adored the little guy.

“What are you going to name him, lovely?” Roman inquired, pacing the room to put away some of the other items they’d gotten.

“Blue Puppy!” There was a childlike grin on Patton’s face as he lightly squished the toy.

Logan frowned. “That seems a little bit uncreative, even— _Christ_!” A swift jab in the ribs by Roman was enough to shut even the most idiotic brainiacs.

“That’s adorable, Pat! And does Blue Puppy have any friends that you would like to introduce?” Roman knew exactly what he was doing. Patton’s mind seemed to run on a sort of childish encouragement system when he was upset, so, logically, having him make up stories about different things that brought him comfort would help distract from the intrusive thoughts and provide nice feelings.

“Oh, uh, Logan could you grab the bucket of plushies from my closet?” Logan obliged and set the tub on the bed next to Patton. “Alright! Well, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh, of course, and Piglet. Oooh and there’s Zapper. And—oh…”

Patton cut off, pulling a light purple teddy bear from the conglomeration. It didn’t take long for Roman and Logan to figure it out. Hayley had given him that stupid fucking bear over the summer. Oh, how could Roman be so  _stupid_  as to forget about that?

“Um, I think I’m done for now. Thanks for your help, though.” Pat shoved all of the toys, excluding Blue Puppy, back into the container and lightly slid it away from him. He slipped under the covers, listening to the muted noises of his friends cleaning up. The door clicked shut, and Patton was alone.

He’d always be  _alone_.


End file.
